


What I never dared to tell you

by Mimisempai



Series: Barisi Short Stories [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s22e04 Sightless in a Savage Land, Established Relationship, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention of The undiscovered country
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 07:41:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30068925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimisempai/pseuds/Mimisempai
Summary: Since they spend their nights together, Rafael can't help but notice that Sonny has the same nightmare regularly, but the young man refuses to talk about it, until the day Rafael confronts him.Dialogue Prompt : "Promise me you'll come back."
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Barisi Short Stories [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2208729
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	What I never dared to tell you

"...back."

Sonny mumbled in his sleep, incomprehensible words. The only thing Rafael understood was "back" and...

"...fael please," so Rafael turned to his right, embraced his partner, who immediately calmed down as he whispered in his ear, "I'm here cariño, go back to sleep."

Rafael, on the other hand, would only allow himself to fall sleep when he was sure Sonny was sleeping peacefully.

He was still surprised by the course of events since his return. 

After the Mickey Davis trial, they had started to see each other regularly, Rafael working for the Innocence Project, there was little risk of conflict of interest. Little by little friendly meetings became more intimate until finally one evening Rafael invited Sonny to continue the evening at his place. Sonny did not leave until the next morning.

From that day on, there was hardly a night that they didn't spend together. 

It wasn't the first time Rafael had been woken up by Sonny in the same way. But they never talked about it. The mornings after these nights, Sonny was often already gone when Rafael woke up. And the one time Rafael had tried to address the subject, Sonny had tightened his lips and hadn't said a word..

But tomorrow was a Saturday and Sonny wouldn't have the excuse of leaving for work to avoid the conversation. 

Rafael woke up to the sound of noises in the kitchen and Sonny whistling. He hurriedly got up, put on a nightgown and headed toward the source of the noise. 

"Morning Sonny."

"Morning Rafael!" replied Sonny with a big smile as he served them breakfast. But Rafael was observant and years of being around Sonny had made him able to decipher his expressions and that smile wasn't Sonny's, it was not the one that came from his eyes. Those eyes that were doing everything to avoid Rafael's gaze at that very moment.

They began to eat in silence, when Rafael decided not to wait and to get to the heart of the matter.

"Sonny, tonight..."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"And yet we're going to talk about it."

"It's just a nightmare, nothing special."

"Oh yeah? Yet it's exactly the same nightmare, every time. I can hardly understand anything, but what I do know is that you always say the same things, I only hear the end ' _Back_ ' and ' _-fael, please_ '. It doesn't take a mind reader to know that it's about me. That's why I think talking about it will help you."

"Please Raf, it's something of the past, it's silly and it will pass."

"Sonny, do you trust me?"

"Raf, you know I do?"

"Exactly, so don't you think you can tell me about it?"

"I don't know..." Sonny ran a hand over his eyes and blew out a deep breath. "In the light of day, it seems so dumb and emotional."

"I'm not going to judge you Sonny." Rafael placed his hand over his in encouragement.

"I don't know where to start..." 

Rafael had never seen him so lost, he tried to help him, "If you tell me what were words you were saying, to begin with."

"Um... yes... okay…" Sonny cleared his throat before continuing,"It's always the same : _Promise me you'll come back. Rafael please..._ "

Rafael swallowed at the implication of these words. Then pulled himself together and continued, "and now describe your environment, where you are, what you are doing..."

Sonny stood up and pushed his chair back rather violently, "I can't, don't ask me! Don't ask me to relive it like this!"

Rafael walked around the table and stood facing him, took his clenched fists and slipped his fingers into them, planting his gaze in Sonny's, "Carino, I think this is the best way though."

"But I don't want to relive the tearing pain of that day!"

"However it comes back to haunt you almost every night. So go ahead Sonny, do it, not for me, but for you! I know a thing or two about keeping everything locked up. Trust me, nothing good comes of it."

"Argh!!!" Sonny quickly walked over to the couch and dropped onto it, his head in his hands. Rafael followed him, sat down next to him, and simply ran his hand over his back, waiting for Sonny to speak.

"I... I'm behind one of the columns on the courthouse steps. You're further down and having a conversation with Olivia, she looks desperate, you put a kiss on her forehead and walk away without looking back. And I want to run after you, but my feet are fixed on the ground and I can only whisper, 'Promise me you'll come back. Rafael, please...'"

Rafael says in a breath, "You were there...?"

"That's why I didn,'t want to speak about it! It's not really a nightmare, I was there, everything I dream, I lived it, the difference was that my feet were not fixed on the ground, it was me who didn't dare to run after you, me who didn't dare to scream those words. Because at this moment, I realized that I..." Sonny stopped, no longer having the strength to continue.

"That you what? Go ahead Sonny, go all the way." Rafael's hand left Sonny's back and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look into his eyes. Rafael saw the last glimmer of resistance disappear as Sonny whispered in a broken voice, "...that I loved you."

He couldn't hold back either his sigh of relief or his tears. Rafael hugged him with all his might and whispered against his ear, "Oh Sonny... I'm not going to tell you how I would have reacted if you had really done it. We can't rewrite the past. But know that you were my biggest regret. And that even though I can't talk about love at this time, you were my anchor, that permanent fixture, that made sure that for a long time chaos didn't invade me. And leaving you was surely my biggest wound. But thinking about you was also what allowed me to move forward. You, Sonny, made me want to be better. So I'm thankful that we have found each other again, that now we are on equal footing. Even if it took a shaky trial to get us back together. I can't change the past, but I hope we'll write the future, together."

Sonny with his head buried in Rafael's neck, simply nodded. Then he kissed Rafael tenderly before standing up, taking his hand and leading him to the breakfast table. They continued to eat, and all the while his hand did not let go of Rafael's.

The next night, while he was in the middle of that same nightmare, he was awakened by Rafael's voice in his ear, "I'm back Sonny, and I'm not leaving anymore." Instead of falling asleep right away, he rolled over in Rafael's embrace and kissing him he said, "I love you."

"I love you cariño, now go back to sleep."

He went back to sleep, and the Sonny of his dream came out of hiding and ran behind Rafael, not taking his eyes off his brown coat, when he got to his level, he pulled his sleeve and said, "Promise me, you'll come back." 

The Rafael of his dream turned to him,smiled with a tender expression on his face and said, "I promise you Sonny, wait for me..."

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This is once again me trying to fix The Undiscovered Country... Because they deserve a happy ending... always  
> Not betaed.


End file.
